As I lay in bed with his head on my chest
today, Monday afternoon at 4 pm,
after a full hour of sleep,
and said
'I really have to get to work now'
I realized how freaking lucky I am.

'Luck'
is actually not just 'luck'
but a mix of all kind of factors, 
- like the 'unluck' that I couldn't have children (and now don't have teenagers in my house)
- the choice to give into my love for a man 23 years older than me who is now retired and definitely not rich but not poor either
- the choice to throw away my ambitions and - for now - go with the diminished flow of incoming work, which is becoming more and more limited to 'correcting AI' instead of 'translating'.

All these factors and many more make it possible for me to lay in bed on a Monday afternoon
and enjoy it for as much as I can.

Because you see
there definitely is a feeling of urgency
the 'knowledge' that this fragile period of bliss may at any moment burst into pieces:
- by things happening in the world
- by my parents clearly having more and more difficulties living on their own, doing everything alone while there's noone there or willing to help
- by his visit to the cardiologist next week
- and most of all, by the suspicion that he has a bad foreboding and won't tell me about it. 
Like, he absolutely wants to celebrate St Valentine, for the very first time since I know him.
He wants to get married this year (no party or celebration), so that I am in his will.
And he adamantly wants to go on a holiday this year and he 'doesn't care about leaving the cat behind because that cat will outlive him so he can no longer wait'.
Now I know the cat, who is now 4 years old, will probably outlive him, but how long?

So I try to find a balance between 'must' and 'may'
and really
live every day
like it's the last.

clara